The Doctors issue this collective statement:
“After a lengthy discussion over the meaning of the word “real” (mostly due to an argument between Dr. Philosophy and Dr. Metaphysics), we came to a tentative agreement that we are as real as you are, in that you and we both exist so far as we’ve made concrete contact through the internet, and both parties involved have a physical presence that can be verified by a neutral third party.
We definitely have a larger amount of doctorates collectively than any one person.
We also took a show-of-hands.
None of our experts have either a name or surname of “Um”, or any phonetic variation thereof, so we assumed this question was asked collectively of our entire panel of doctors and that the “um” was a verbal hiccup on your account. This is most likely a sign of low self-confidence arising due to either a lack of, or an over-abundance of, parental guidance, and can be remedied by asking more questions of people more frequently to practice better, more direct communication.”
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Dr. Brain says:
“If you’ve been sick with the flu for almost 6 months, you can do any of the following:
- Ride a bicycle
- Eat food
- Drive an automobile
- Operate heavy machinery
- Murder a rival
- Go on a date
- Read a book
- Start/kick a drug habit
- Execute a corporate takeover
- Swim with dolphins/sharks
- Take a cruise
- Vote
- Get a massage
- Have/steal a baby
- Play a sport
- Prank call a senator
- Start a fire
- Continue living/terminate your life
If you would like to read more about what you can do, be sure to check out my new book: 365 Things To Do While Infected With The Flu (Or Any Other Mildly Annoying, Non Life-Threatening Disease!)”
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Dr. War says:
“Love?
LOVE?!?
You wanna know what love is? Huh?!?
You just itchin’ to write some poetry to your mama, boy?!
I’ll tell ya what love is, maggot!
Love is curling up at night with a well-oiled, perfectly-tuned, fully-automatic assault rifle. Love is that beautiful moment of silence right after you throw a grenade into an enemy’s bunker; just before they all start yellin’ at each other in their foreign language. Love is poisonin’ a whole town’s water supply to get that one sonofabitch Korean jailer who gave you half the rations he gave everyone else just because he didn’t like you.
Love is war!
Bullet-in-your-neck/blood-in-your-mouth/scalp-in-your-teeth WAR!!!
But don’t think that love’s picky, son! Love is large AND small! Love is a paradox!
It’s killin’ Charlie with nothin’ but your bare hands! It’s vaporizin’ Ivan before he can bat an eyelash!
Love does not discriminate!
When you can’t sleep at night because one of your squad turned traitor ‘n murdered your sarge, and now everybody’s eyein’ everybody, ready to kill their own brother; THAT’S love! When you decide to take a little night patrol of your own, deep into enemy territory, completely naked and covered head-to-toe in black axle grease, armed only with a knife and a coil of garotte wire on your bicep; THAT’S love! When you return home and have to keep killin’ people because your nightmares won’t stop, THAT’S love!!!
So!!!
Now you understand the concept of love, maggot!
When I’m finished with you, you’ll be a perfectly-tuned love machine!
DISMISSED!!!”
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Dr. HU-mahn says:
“Dr. Cottillion left this note unattended in his working A-rea. I would like to do him a FA-vour as a normal fellow HU-mahn and answer it for him, as is customary on this planet, where people speak for each other without permission.
I forget sometimes that your species only has two opposed sexes instead of three. I mean our species. HU-mahn BE-ings. I will continue.
When our sex wishes to entice a LADY, A-nother term for a female HU-mahn, it is customary to present her with malnutritious offerings and castrated plant genitals.
However, this is often referred to as a CLICHÉ. I have also found in my studying that most HU-mahns do not actually engage in this tradition unless subserviating themselves to their partner to make up for a recent transgression.
But here I am, rambling like one’s chosen youngling-trainer. To answer your question, which is very general and open-ended, I shall list ways in which NOT to greet a LADY.
Do NOT greet a LADY:
1. With teeth bared.
2. Using weapons.
3. With paranoia.
4. During her sleeping time.
5. With plans for immediate reproduction.
6. While nude.
7. After a recent failure to exterminate one’s enemy.
9. While vomiting.
10. With her replacement.
So long as you do not do any of those things to your future mate, you will be READY. Just remember to BE yourself. How ‘bout it, pardn’er, ok? Howdy.
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Dr Future says:
“For me, this is not a hypothetical question. I gave him, me, a futuristic bone-melting gun to dispose of his, our, enemies.
This unfortunately led to a boring, uncontested existence, so my future self had to go back and tell us both not to melt our enemies’ bones, but in order for my time-continuum to remain stable, we still had to melt them.
It was an interesting paradox, which we ultimately solved by killing our own grandmother. Twice. Sometimes the solution is right in front of you, ya know?”
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You’re ripe with questions.
In these troubled times, we all are.
That’s why I’ve assembled a crack team of doctors specializing in every conceivable subject to answer any question that could ever be thought. Ever.Sure it was a bit of an undertaking and i had to invest my entire family’s fortune, but I think it was worth it.
Submit your question anonymously here: http://www.formspring.me/ASKADOCTOR
-OR-
Simply send your question to askadr@gmail.com with the doctor’s name in the subject line.
-OR-
Visit the Doctors on their facebook page:
http://www.facebook.com/askadoctor
The Doctor will post the question and answer as soon as possible.
There are two ways to go about this:1.Email a specific question to a specific doctor, whether they specialize in that subject or not.
2.Email any question with a blank subject line and it will be automatically sorted by Dr. Robot and sent to an appropriate Doctor.
The current panel of Doctors:
Dr. Domestic “Put a sprig of rosemary in your baby’s bottle. Not only will it give a little flavour to an otherwise bland entree, but it also turns the milk a festive green.”
Dr. Science “I don’t know where you heard that, but acid does NOT make for a fun trip. It gets everywhere and dissolves flesh.”
Dr. HU-mahn “I am a normal human specimen, and not from any other planet but Earth.”
Dr. Robot “Dr. Robot comes equipped with the latest AnswerMePlease software, version 3.10.”
Dr. Cotillion “If a lady is about to release undesirable vapours, she is advised to quickly remove a small article or clothing, such as a glove or hat, and begin auctioning it off to a preferably large crowd of gentlemen, so as to muffle any undesirable music.”
Dr. Witch-doctor “i give you snake poison to drink. ‘n dat make you shake aroun’ to get de bad spirits from out cho body.”
Dr. War “I’ve crushed every damn opponent i’ve ever faced, from my twin in the womb, to the KGB in the cold war.”
Dr. Chef “In the microwave, a healthy hampster will pop when your potato has cooked about halfway through. So, when microwaving potatoes, be sure to always have at least two fresh hampsters.”
Dr. Conspiracy “No comment.”
Dr. Makeup “Together, we’ll let the person you think you want to be shine through your naturally hideous face!”
Dr. Professional “A firm handshake and an uncomfortable amount of eye contact tells the man in front of you ‘submit to me, or i’ll crush you.’”
Dr. Future “In the FUTURE, the fabric of time will be unraveled and with it, man will weave a new destiny.”
*please note that sometimes the doctors answer each other’s mail by mistake or for revenge.
If you’ve heard wonderful things about a doctor, but you don’t see him on my list, stick his name in the subject line anyway!
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